A season of reflection

From gray to grateful

On August 7, 2018 I arrived back “home” in Jackson, TN. In June and July of 2018 I had found myself in a significant mental health crisis. Those were dark gray days.

My healthcare providers in San Francisco diagnosed severe depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress. They put me on short term disability. They prescribed that I needed to leave SF. For the travels that were imminent, they prescribed and provided a letter for Herbie to be my emotional support animal. (Understatement, for sure, but at the time it could and needed to be official.)

Over those two months, I was only moderately functional. Friends in SF, Las Vegas, and TN literally had to help me do everything to prepare for my move.

By the end of July, approaching my 50th birthday, my life had changed dramatically and would change even more. I was finally prepared and able to make the trip to TN. One of my biggest emotional roadblocks was how friends and family would view my illness and whether they could support me on the journey.

The illnesses were magnified, intensified, and exacerbated by overwhelming feelings of failure and shame. There was so much questing and doubt and insecurity.

For 18 plus years I had lived mostly independently far away from Tennessee. “Where would I live?” “How would I ever heal?” “How would I survive?” Who would be available and willing to walk alongside me on the journey?” I had no clear answers but staying in SF was not an option. Leaving was imperative for healing. Returning to Tennessee would absolutely prove to be the best place for me.

Without reservation but with zero experience dealing with someone struggling like I was, my dear mom received me with support, unconditional love, and a place to live.

The illnesses are inclined to make isolation the number one coping mechanism. So I did a lot of that. Friends and other family let me know that they were with me.

Gratitude gets reignited!

My nearly 10 years of research and practicing gratitude had all but stopped. All of my self preservation and self care had ceased. Eventually, slowly, those tools began to be visible. I could see little things and some of the big things that would help me shift.

It took four or five months for me to feel healthy and functional. I was surviving but I was far from thriving. Intense therapy, appropriately increased medication, and a stable environment kept me on course.

On a mental health scale (my way of speaking to my therapist and provider) of one (very ill) to ten (consistently thriving,) I considered myself about a 2–3 most days. Shift happens. Slowly and gratefully. Currently, I probably hover at a 7–8 most if the time.

The months and years between 2018 and now include a roller coaster of experiences and emotions. Some aspects of these illnesses are chronic but I’ve learned that they are manageable.

There is a near constant curiosity (a healthy shift from worry and anxiety:) “Will I ever be the same?” “Will I be able to work like I did before?” “What if I relapse?”

A mindset of mine has always been to do more thriving than simply surviving. I am truly grateful these days for both the surviving times and the thriving times. Some of the gratitude comes from learning and knowing that circumstances change and our health changes.

As some theatre friends have encouraged me recently, I “have to trust the process.”

If someone you know is struggling. Listen them. Don’t try to fix them.

If you or someone you know is struggling or thinking of harming themselves there is a number to dial that can help. Call 9–8–8.